Ugh, the dreaded “funk”. I feel like I’ve been saying this to everyone a lot lately. “Sorry, I’m in a funk.”
BUT, I’m working on that. For real this time. And I’m not really “sorry”. I’ve done nothing wrong. Intentionally. But that’s what we say right?
What is this “funk”?
What is this “funk” I speak of? And what does it mean when I apologize to friends for being MIA?
Well, for me, it’s so much. Or rather, so little?
Let’s see… I don’t leave the house if I don’t have to. I want to stay in my pjs (because why add more laundry to that pile I still haven’t folded). My eating habits are…. questionable. I read books and watch movies all day. Minimal physical activity. That activity being taking care of the kids. And the occasional chase through the house. Mostly though, I don’t reach out to my friends. The ones that if they knew I was in a “funk” they’d drive to my house and drag me out by my feet.
What’s wrong with you?
Well, that the question isn’t it? What’s wrong with me… well… I don’t know. I went to a doctor a little over a year ago, she said I was depressed. Which to me was “I don’t know, but lets give you some heavy drugs you don’t need.”
Ya’ll, I’ve been depressed. I’ve had that hopeless, worthless, why-am-I-even-still-here feeling before. I have questioned my place in this world; even questioning God’s love for me. I was suicidal. There should actually probably be a Lifetime movie about my growing up. I’m not that. Not now. This is different.
Why is this different?
This is different because my life is perfect. Well, for me anyway. I’m so so so happy where my life is. My husband and his nonstop cleaning, my boys and their wildness and screaming, my work and making other woman love themselves, my home… like actual home ya’ll, not just a house, this is it, I can see myself growing old here! I’m so happy that sometimes when I think about it, I want to cry. Not sad tears, but tears of happiness. If you told me 10 years ago that I would feel this great I would have probably punched you in the face and say stop being a jerk. I would NOT have believed you. People that are that kind of happy are only in movies! Other than having tons of money to do whatever we want…. we have everything else!
Reading my symptoms, some may say “oh yeah, she’s depressed.” I guess in a sense, when you have a hormonal imbalance you are “depressed”.
I’m tired alot, not sleepy, just physically. My body is just tired.
I don’t want to leave the house. Mostly because the thought of wrangling two kids, my tired body, the Florida heat… ugh.
I have no motivation. None. I have a LIST of projects I want to do. That list is in my head. I didn’t even have the motivation to write it down on paper.
I can’t focus. At. All. I may have started one or two projects… but I just cant seem to focus long enough to continue or finish them!
Declining eyesight… I have no clue if this has anything to do with everything else. But only in the last year-ish has my eyesight gotten really really bad.
So what are you doing about it?
What am I doing about this “funk”? Well, I finally found a new doctor (over a year later). I felt that she was WONDERFUL. She didn’t make me feel like a crappy person for not being able to get my crap together on my own. She listened to my symptoms, asked questions, understood my reaction to those previous medications that other doctor gave me (I went from Zoloft 50mg, to Zoloft 150mg, to Adderall 5mg…. yeah… ). Ultimately, she decided that I did not need an SSRI (agreed!!!!!) and I didn’t need a level 2 narcotic (yeah, let that sink in.. )
Now I start a new routine. The goal is to increase my dopamine and serotonin levels. The goal is to give me energy and focus. As much as I hate taking medication, I’m ok with what the doctor prescribed me. I’m excited to see how it all works out. Hey… I wrote this didn’t I? There is that!
Why so personal?
Ok, so you’re probably thinking “Why so personal?” in making this blog. Well, accountability for starters. And I want to put it out there, what this “funk” is to me. I have a wonderful small amount of followers who haven’t heard from me in some time (and so sweetly reached out). I want others to know that it’s ok to be in a funk, but also to consider making an appointment with your primary care provider. It’s ok to question what the doctor wants to give you, you can reject it and ask for something else.
Discuss your symptoms in full, and be very clear about them. If I said “I’m tired, unmotivated and don’t want to leave the house.” most would likely say that’s major depression. But saying “my body feels tired, but I’m not sleepy. I cant stay focused and have no motivation. I want to leave the house, but from that original thought, I somewhere along the way forget or procrastinate and never make it to the front door…” That sounds like two very different people. One sounds hopeless, the other just sounds lazy or scatterbrained.
I’m working on it ya’ll. I’m working on ME. It’s time for me to get back to my wild, nonstop, always going, lovey dovey, speedy Cuban self (which sometimes annoys my husband haha!)